Warning: No Knitting Content... Only ranting and raving.

Let's talk about men. I'm going to write a book entitled "The Top Of The Microwave Oven Is NOT a Cutting Board". And it's not a plate either. Food really shouldn't be consumed from the top of a microwave. And another thing about food is this: It doesn't put itself away. You actually have to pick it up, wrap it up, and place it back in the refrigerator.

And while we're on the topic of explaining basic life skills to the male gender, here's another clue for them. There is no drain in the middle of the bathroom floor. It is not the garage. The water, after you step out of the shower onto the floor dripping wet, isn't going to magicly disappear down some invisible hole in the floor. Nope, it's going to stay right there in the sopping wet bath mat until the mildew turns the rubber layer underneath a nice black color. Then, it's going to seep into the tile grout and before you know it, the whole floor will begin to crack and come up. I know this might come as a surprise, but it IS possible to dry yourselves off BEFORE you step out of the tub. Honest. It's been done.

Let's move onto the dirty clothes lesson. Men, women cannot wash your dirty clothes if they can't find them. Search and rescue missions apply only to people and pets, not clothes. We have better things to do with our time than spend it looking under beds and in the corners of the bathrooms for your smelly socks and dirty t-shirts.

Moving on to reading material. If the last 20 years worth of Golf Digest (240 issues?) haven't improved your game by now, they probably never will and it's more than likely ok to get rid of them at this point. If that article in the May 1984 issue is so important, rip it out and put it in your wallet but the piles have to go. This also applies to The Sporting News, Sports Illustrated (ESPECIALLY THE SWIMSUIT ISSUES), Golf, Streets and Smith, etc. Trust me, your kids ARE NOT going to want these when you die.

Just a few more helpful hints:

Ovens are self-cleaning. Basements and garages are not.

Weddings were not invented to torture you although it may seem that way to you.

The fact that a light was left burning in an unoccupied room probably won't cost you as much as the Big Bertha Titanium Super Duper Driver with the Nasa approved sweet spot quaranteed to cut your score, straighten your trajectory and have you on the tour by next year golf club that you bought at the pro-shop last week.

Just because YOU only need 3 pairs of shoes does not mean that women only need 3 pairs of shoes. The fact that every purse and every pair of shoes does not go with every outfit is a fact of life. Accept it and move on.

Peanut butter is not healthy when consumed in jar size portions and pretzels are not to be considered a good diet snack when eaten by the bag full.

Ballgame scores are published and announced in the news. The world won't end if you're not home in time to see the game on TV. So relax. It's OK. There's no need to pop a vein over this. You WILL be able to find out who won.

And speaking of ballgames, excuse us if we don't get too excited when we get invited to go along, like it's some dream come true thrill of a lifetime date. (Gee, can I really go along? Really?) Did you ever notice that ballgames are the only thing that HE suggests for a night out? Sure, you may go out to dinner or to a movie occasionally but pay attention to whose idea it was. Probably not his.

Lastly, whatever you do, never, EVER, tell a menopausal woman that you have to cancel a trip that she has looked forward to since September because you forgot about a charity golf tournment that you have to play in that particular weekend. God only knows what she might do.